Thanks for you comments and posts guys. I really appreciate all the love and concern, it lets me know I'm not alone.

I have been doing so much thinking. I finally spoke to Dad the other day about the whole thing, since Ayde watches the girls they too are well aware of what goes on here. They have seen it all too many times. And that I think is the main issue. That it happens way too many times. Each time, more damage is done. Each time, worse than the last.

Dad offered to get a place with me. He said he would talk to Keister about helping me with the kids. Somehow I find it hard to believe that she would help me without getting paid for it. But anyway, he reminded of what a big decision it is. If I were to leave, that would be the end. I would lose the house, because just like when I left the first time, D just lost it. He lost his job, drank himself all the way to the hospital and almost died. He never gave me a penny the whole time, 2 yrs I was a single mom without his help financially or emotionally. But I remember being happy. Just me and Kayla, no one to answer to.

Dad wants me to make sure I stick the my decision, saying he doesn't want to me change my mind a year from now and leave him stuck with the place he can't afford all to himself. I understand that. I dont' blame him. I told him that if I left, that would be it. No looking back. He also asked me to think about the girls. How this would imact them. He said I'd have to realize that the possability of Derrick losing it and losing his life would be great. I know all this. I've thought about this, all too often. The reason of why I'm tortured. He told me to think about and let him know.

Ironically, the first that I thought about was Mom. Me getting a place with Dad and his family means I wouldn't be able to bring Mom over, or much less stay with me. It made to really sad. These past few years there hasn't been anything I wanted more than to have her back here close to us. Everytime, my dream gets pushed further and further away. If I went through with this, then my dream won't be able to come true.

This weekend, Sunday...starting Saturday night D stayed sober. When you guys saw him it was the most sober he's been in weeks. I don't know what happened between the day he told me he wouldn't get help even if I were to leave him...and yesterday. All I know is I was expecting the usual, his usual trip to the liquor store and have him drunk by noon. He surprised me. When you guys came over we were civil towards each other, I know he was trying to prove something to me. I just don't know exaclty what it was. Bottom line, old habits die hard even when it comes to conversation. I caught myself calling him "baby" even a couple of times and then wanted to bite my tongue afterwards.

C- Its true that there is still love there between us. But I have to tell you that its not enough. I used to think that love was enough, but it's not. In my case, too much has happened. He has hurt me so deep, leaving me no time to heal before he hurts me again..the wound never healing. I resent him still. Until the day comes and like a real man he faces me and tells me with honesty, that he wants to get better, for his sake or for the sake of our family...until that day comes, I will no longer love him or respect him that way that I used to. I can honestly say, that if it wasn't for the girls, I would of been long gone. Love translates to respect, consideration, affection, protection, and so much more. Not just paying the bills. I haven't seen love in his eyes for a long time, and he hasn't seen them in mine. Its sad to say it has reached that point. I don't think its fair that women have to be stuck unhappy in a relationship while the guys gets away with doing all kinds of shit. I see it too many times. I swore it would never be me. But yet here I am. I know one day he will learn, he will realize what he had. But it'll be too late. Everytime he hurts me, a little peice of my heart dies...I don't want to wait till the day it completely disapears.

I don't think moving in with Dad and Keister is the best idea. I can see that going badly, because of the issues with her. But I don't have many options right now. But my mind always goes back to Mom. I can't leave her in Bolivia. I just can't. Tonight I heard her voice, her tears....it breaks my heart. I think if that were me in 20 yrs, I would pray to God one of my daughters would save me. She wants to come here and be close to us so bad. I have to try to bring her back. I have the application already filled out, I just need to come up with the money to file it. So I'm going to be selling some things from the house. I'm going to send the app and bring her back, have her help me with the girls and get a place with her. This is my hope.

I dont' know how long it will take. I'm not sure how much time I have. All I know is that Derrick will never change. Maybe for a day, maybe a week. But he always goes back. He has no desire to change. We will live the rest of our lives in misery. And that's not what I want. I just can't live like that. I have always picked my heart over my mind. My mind tells me to move out and get a place with Dad. That Mom might be a burden and I might have another kid to take care of instead of help. THat it might be a year before all the paperwork is processed, and who knows what can happen in that time.

BUt my heart tells me, I can't leave her there. I can't move in with Dad and take the chance of never seeing her again. But most important, in both instances, both my heart and mind tell me I have to leave.