Most days I feel as if I'm just walking blindly on this path, lost. Then I want to run, find my way back as quickly as I can. But something always stops me...fear. Fear that I will fall if I'm not careful. Fear that I will trip. Or worse...become more lost than before. Deep inside, I know there is a way out. I just have to find it in me to find my way back to the right path. THe one that will lead me to happiness.
But don't I have happiness now? Partial. I think about the things that keep me going. My girls. THey get me up in the morning and give me the energy to continue walking. COntinue fighting, stuggling, surviving. I am walking blindly, because I have no time or enough energy to stop. Open my eyes, clear my head...my vision. The reality before me. And what is the reality?
I'm partially happy on this path. I walk...knowing that my girls are right behind me. Depending on me to lead them the way...the right way. Maybe what's missing is that it's only me and my girls are on this path. I don't see him....I know he's close. BUt I know he's not our same path. So I feel alone. I walk alone...just me and my girls. Therefore, the walk is not light. Not brisk. It's a long one. A heavy one, as I carry the burden of my responsibility on my back.
The responsibility of knowing I am in charge of these 3 lives. They are counting on me to do the right thing. To guide them in the right direction. BUt I am lost. So I guess this is what makes me unhappy.
I know we are managing. We are seeing some beautiful things along the way. But as dark grows near, the more we walk...I start to worry. What will this path lead to? Where will it end? What will be waiting on the other side?
It becomes more difficult, the older you get...to get off from one path and vear off to another. BEfore, I wasn't happy in a relationship?? I dumped him. I had that freedom. I didn't like a job? I quit. Found a new one. No fear...nothing to lose. I've been on so many goddam paths....
Never knowing if it was the one I wanted to be on forever.....
Never really satisfied.
I want to be satisfied. I want to find the right path, and run through it...without the heavy weight on my back...knowing that happiness awaits on the other side. I want to wake up, open my eyes and have the right path in front of me. But I know it won't be this easy. Such things never are...
Step one. Stop....
Friday, November 06, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
To My Sis
I Wish
I wish I had the magical words it takes,
From stopping your deep heartbreaks.
I wish I could somehow undo,
The pain that's been caused to you.
I wish I could close my eyes,
And make it go away.
Wake up to a brand new day.
I wish I had the power,
To give you what you deserve.
A lifetime of happiness,
Only you could so well preserve.
I wish.
I wish to go back to the past.
Undo the damage that has been done.
To the present time,
All the bad memories forever gone.
I wish you knew,
How much we love you.
I wish you could see,
What a beauty you are to me.
I wish you could know,
What we already knew.
That everything will be OK.
Because you are you.
Too precious to be forgotten.
Too special to be anything less,
Than momentarily, a damsel in distress.
Too strong to give up.
A courageous spirit.
A beautiful free bird.
Flying high above the sky.
I wish I knew how long it will take,
To get over this heartbreak.
But sis, I know that this is true.
With time, healing does come.
And happiness will find you.
For I do have high hopes in faith,
To believe that life cannot be this cruel.
To bring upon senseless pain,
On the innocent and the sane.
There has to be a reason.
For the torture,
For the treason....
Some kind of prize,
To be won in the end.
Worth more than gold.
True happiness..
Maybe meant only for the bold.
Only the lucky ones,
Like you and me.
Will ever get to see.
Till then I wish.
You listen to your heart,
And remain forever strong.
Keep the free bird in you alive,
And there will be no more wrong.
I wish I had the magical words it takes,
From stopping your deep heartbreaks.
I wish I could somehow undo,
The pain that's been caused to you.
I wish I could close my eyes,
And make it go away.
Wake up to a brand new day.
I wish I had the power,
To give you what you deserve.
A lifetime of happiness,
Only you could so well preserve.
I wish.
I wish to go back to the past.
Undo the damage that has been done.
To the present time,
All the bad memories forever gone.
I wish you knew,
How much we love you.
I wish you could see,
What a beauty you are to me.
I wish you could know,
What we already knew.
That everything will be OK.
Because you are you.
Too precious to be forgotten.
Too special to be anything less,
Than momentarily, a damsel in distress.
Too strong to give up.
A courageous spirit.
A beautiful free bird.
Flying high above the sky.
I wish I knew how long it will take,
To get over this heartbreak.
But sis, I know that this is true.
With time, healing does come.
And happiness will find you.
For I do have high hopes in faith,
To believe that life cannot be this cruel.
To bring upon senseless pain,
On the innocent and the sane.
There has to be a reason.
For the torture,
For the treason....
Some kind of prize,
To be won in the end.
Worth more than gold.
True happiness..
Maybe meant only for the bold.
Only the lucky ones,
Like you and me.
Will ever get to see.
Till then I wish.
You listen to your heart,
And remain forever strong.
Keep the free bird in you alive,
And there will be no more wrong.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Forever and a day
I know its been forever. What can I say?? Facebook. LOL
Taking a moment to breathe and clear my head. Full circle. We've come almost full circle with this life. We started out so happy. Learning and growing. Somewhere along the line, life happened. A new life. That brought us much happiness..me more than him. He had more fear. An excuse to go off the deep end, which he did. Like many times in our relationship..using many excuses. Then two more lives, then bills, mortgages, jobs....more of life. More stress, to him. More happiness for me.
We lived through the worse, and just like that we were at our best. And now, we're coming back around the bend again. And I don't want to go back there...ever again. After more than 7 months of being sober, he has started up once again. And I can't do a damn thing about it. We've talked a about it of course. Again, with the promises. What was I expecting? What a fool to think we could a normal and happy life.
I can't explain where my head is, or how my heart feels. I am numb. I am thinking of the future, preparing for the worse. I have already made one promise...to myself that I intend to keep. That I will not relive that hell. Once was enough for me. And surprisingly...I am less fearful than before.
He said to me the other day.."I do not fit in the mold that everyone wants me to be, I am me. And I like to drink. I can never be the other guy, I'd be miserable."
So I say to you back...one day you will know.... that I too do not fit in the mold you want me to be. I am me. And all I want to be is happy......so here I go. Goodbye. Now we both are free , to be whoever we want to be.
Taking a moment to breathe and clear my head. Full circle. We've come almost full circle with this life. We started out so happy. Learning and growing. Somewhere along the line, life happened. A new life. That brought us much happiness..me more than him. He had more fear. An excuse to go off the deep end, which he did. Like many times in our relationship..using many excuses. Then two more lives, then bills, mortgages, jobs....more of life. More stress, to him. More happiness for me.
We lived through the worse, and just like that we were at our best. And now, we're coming back around the bend again. And I don't want to go back there...ever again. After more than 7 months of being sober, he has started up once again. And I can't do a damn thing about it. We've talked a about it of course. Again, with the promises. What was I expecting? What a fool to think we could a normal and happy life.
I can't explain where my head is, or how my heart feels. I am numb. I am thinking of the future, preparing for the worse. I have already made one promise...to myself that I intend to keep. That I will not relive that hell. Once was enough for me. And surprisingly...I am less fearful than before.
He said to me the other day.."I do not fit in the mold that everyone wants me to be, I am me. And I like to drink. I can never be the other guy, I'd be miserable."
So I say to you back...one day you will know.... that I too do not fit in the mold you want me to be. I am me. And all I want to be is happy......so here I go. Goodbye. Now we both are free , to be whoever we want to be.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Chill day
Saturday night and I feel alright. Pretty worn out and bored at the same time. Wish I could have an iced cold beer and a cig...ahh. JUne 14th, you can't come soon enuff!! :)
Kids are in bed, D's upstairs. Tried to chill today..went out for breakfast before he went to work. Went to Kohl's and used up my K's cash for Gabbys present tomm, got haircut (trim)..trying to grow hair out after Haircuttery lady butchered my head. It got really hot around lunchtime so I took the girls to the pool after some minor convincing (feeling "indesposed", lol). Made some grilled cheese sammiches, crackers and had lunch there...icecream truck came around, even treated them to that. "Mommy, you are the best Mommy in the world!" is what I got...big bear hug from Hailey. Made it all worth it.
While they napped I dyed my hair and did my toenails..lol. Oh, I was soo overdue for a lil ME time...it does wonders. For dinner I took them to the mall & we had Kabobs and this place yummm...we shopped a lil. They got rid of the Gamestop!!! Wanted to look at some games for our new WII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Had to make it to Walmart to drop off movies from Redbox, got detergents and some new nail polishs for me & my girls. I love being able to be girlie with them..but dam is it expensive. LOL
So, by the time I got here D was home from work...no dinner. Sorry babe....taking a chill day.. :) Bagel Bites?? LMAO
So here I am. Me alone with my sober thoughts. This is how we spent our day. This month has been so busy..so many b-days and tomm another one. On the days I don't see my fam its just me and the girls. D works so much. You'd think by now I would be used to it. It still sucks. I mean yeah, we have fun together. But I'm so tired, so worn out.....even on my days off I dont really get a break. Just wish I had more balance in my life.
But on the positive side, he works hard for us. Thank god he has a job and its also been 6 months hes been sober!!! Summer is here, looking forward to many things...like beach, more parties, sunshine!! And June 14th is my sis's bday and NO DOUBT, time to get rowdy!!!! :)
Things are wonderful. Just updated my resume, already went on one interview (I declined, what an ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!), got a second one Tuesday. We'll see, can't stand another day. If I have to hear my coworker complain another min I will punch her in the face and really give her a reason to fing complain. I mean COME ON..........never met an adult who wined 10 x more than my 5 yr old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't stand it. Need to get out. Feel like I'm suffocating. LOL. I don 't care if I have to work at 7-11. Free slurpees??? No?? Haha...ok, I'm going delirious...gotta get sleep.
Nite nite.
Kids are in bed, D's upstairs. Tried to chill today..went out for breakfast before he went to work. Went to Kohl's and used up my K's cash for Gabbys present tomm, got haircut (trim)..trying to grow hair out after Haircuttery lady butchered my head. It got really hot around lunchtime so I took the girls to the pool after some minor convincing (feeling "indesposed", lol). Made some grilled cheese sammiches, crackers and had lunch there...icecream truck came around, even treated them to that. "Mommy, you are the best Mommy in the world!" is what I got...big bear hug from Hailey. Made it all worth it.
While they napped I dyed my hair and did my toenails..lol. Oh, I was soo overdue for a lil ME time...it does wonders. For dinner I took them to the mall & we had Kabobs and this place yummm...we shopped a lil. They got rid of the Gamestop!!! Wanted to look at some games for our new WII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Had to make it to Walmart to drop off movies from Redbox, got detergents and some new nail polishs for me & my girls. I love being able to be girlie with them..but dam is it expensive. LOL
So, by the time I got here D was home from work...no dinner. Sorry babe....taking a chill day.. :) Bagel Bites?? LMAO
So here I am. Me alone with my sober thoughts. This is how we spent our day. This month has been so busy..so many b-days and tomm another one. On the days I don't see my fam its just me and the girls. D works so much. You'd think by now I would be used to it. It still sucks. I mean yeah, we have fun together. But I'm so tired, so worn out.....even on my days off I dont really get a break. Just wish I had more balance in my life.
But on the positive side, he works hard for us. Thank god he has a job and its also been 6 months hes been sober!!! Summer is here, looking forward to many things...like beach, more parties, sunshine!! And June 14th is my sis's bday and NO DOUBT, time to get rowdy!!!! :)
Things are wonderful. Just updated my resume, already went on one interview (I declined, what an ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!), got a second one Tuesday. We'll see, can't stand another day. If I have to hear my coworker complain another min I will punch her in the face and really give her a reason to fing complain. I mean COME ON..........never met an adult who wined 10 x more than my 5 yr old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't stand it. Need to get out. Feel like I'm suffocating. LOL. I don 't care if I have to work at 7-11. Free slurpees??? No?? Haha...ok, I'm going delirious...gotta get sleep.
Nite nite.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Time flying by
Dear Diary,
About to go to bed. Fighting sleep as usual, so much on my mind. Things are good, overall. Busy at work, thinking of finding yet another job. Something better, more pay. After almost 6 mo there, still don't feel like I fit it. Don't think I ever will. Different kind of people. Just not for me. Beginning to wonder if there is such thing as a perfect job? Not even perfect. Of course there's no such thing. Just satisfying. That would be wonderful. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just never satisfied.
Girls are doing good. Keeping me busy as usual. Have to register Hailey for kinder this fall! Can't believe it. One more to go. Thinking seriously about having them go to some kind of summer camp/daycare program this summer and cutting ties w/ Keister. Things have been ok. But I just know once KB & Gabster are out of school, 6 will be too much. She's already overwhelmed. Hope we can afford it. Things are getting a little better financially, with D's job...but too early to make any major decisions. Will have to think it through carefully.
Then there's Mom. Finally got all the papers I needed & funds to send the app. I'm exited & worried. Don't know what to expect. But I know its the right thing to do. Will leave the rest in GOD's hands. I hope the process from here will go smoothly. Horacio sent his app for his Mom in Jan and its already been approved and she's got an interview this month! Next thing we'll have to think about is saving up for her ticket here. Will have to sell one of the kids. :) I've always went w/ my heart and not my head, this time is no different. I haven't been always right. But that is the journey we call life. Always learning. It is what it is.
We had a nice break at Grandma's for Easter. Me & D got a chance to go to NY and spend the day together. We went to Madame Tussuad's (sp?) wax museum, had lunch at the Hard Rock in Time's Square & then saw a movie- Duplicity. I wanted to see Slumdog and him Fast & Furious, so we compromised, lol. Talk about recharging the old batteries. I love Grandma. Speaking of compromising...there's been allot of that going on lately between me & D, and guess what?! It works!! lol I can recall even the past trips to Jersey and back. It was always me driving cuz he would bring beer to drink on the way...I'd be exhausted. This time I drove half way and he drove the other half. Ahhh, its amazing right? How such small things make such a huge difference.
I cant wait to see Mike!! Its been so long. Miss him. Hope things are ok with him and Caro. Feel like I haven't talked to her in a while either.
Well, past 11pm. This grandma's got hit the sack. Another lovely day tomorrow at the office. Hopefully I'll get to see Caro & my boys! Love you all....I mean diary. LOL
Good night.
About to go to bed. Fighting sleep as usual, so much on my mind. Things are good, overall. Busy at work, thinking of finding yet another job. Something better, more pay. After almost 6 mo there, still don't feel like I fit it. Don't think I ever will. Different kind of people. Just not for me. Beginning to wonder if there is such thing as a perfect job? Not even perfect. Of course there's no such thing. Just satisfying. That would be wonderful. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just never satisfied.
Girls are doing good. Keeping me busy as usual. Have to register Hailey for kinder this fall! Can't believe it. One more to go. Thinking seriously about having them go to some kind of summer camp/daycare program this summer and cutting ties w/ Keister. Things have been ok. But I just know once KB & Gabster are out of school, 6 will be too much. She's already overwhelmed. Hope we can afford it. Things are getting a little better financially, with D's job...but too early to make any major decisions. Will have to think it through carefully.
Then there's Mom. Finally got all the papers I needed & funds to send the app. I'm exited & worried. Don't know what to expect. But I know its the right thing to do. Will leave the rest in GOD's hands. I hope the process from here will go smoothly. Horacio sent his app for his Mom in Jan and its already been approved and she's got an interview this month! Next thing we'll have to think about is saving up for her ticket here. Will have to sell one of the kids. :) I've always went w/ my heart and not my head, this time is no different. I haven't been always right. But that is the journey we call life. Always learning. It is what it is.
We had a nice break at Grandma's for Easter. Me & D got a chance to go to NY and spend the day together. We went to Madame Tussuad's (sp?) wax museum, had lunch at the Hard Rock in Time's Square & then saw a movie- Duplicity. I wanted to see Slumdog and him Fast & Furious, so we compromised, lol. Talk about recharging the old batteries. I love Grandma. Speaking of compromising...there's been allot of that going on lately between me & D, and guess what?! It works!! lol I can recall even the past trips to Jersey and back. It was always me driving cuz he would bring beer to drink on the way...I'd be exhausted. This time I drove half way and he drove the other half. Ahhh, its amazing right? How such small things make such a huge difference.
I cant wait to see Mike!! Its been so long. Miss him. Hope things are ok with him and Caro. Feel like I haven't talked to her in a while either.
Well, past 11pm. This grandma's got hit the sack. Another lovely day tomorrow at the office. Hopefully I'll get to see Caro & my boys! Love you all....I mean diary. LOL
Good night.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Checkin in
Can't believe I just heard the "S" word again...soon after 70 degree weather..wassup??? Well, I figured I'd check in more often...to report on the better days. I noticed that the only time I blog is when everything sucks, lol. Since this has replaced my journal...I'd rather not look back only on the crappy times. :)
So, good news is that we are still hangin in there. Work is going pretty good...they got rid of some peeps that needed to be gone. Much better environment!! HOme is good too. Things at D's job are picking up a little. He had a good last couple of weeks. Still going to treatment..3 mo and counting. Yesterday I came home to a clean house and a yummy dinner. It's so nice....his attitude, everything improved by 100%..I'm sooooo happy!!! :D
The girls were sick a couple of weeks ago, but they are back in business, lol. I'm exited about seeing Kayla's play on St. Patty's Day. She got to perform in front of the school last Friday and they are having one for the parents on TUesday!!! I'm buying a DVD, one for us and one for Grandma so the whole family can watch my girl in her first play. I'm so proud of her. Last week, I got a letter saying she was selected, out of only 20 kids in THE WHOLE entire school to represent them in an upcoming event where she and the kids will recite the school pledge in front of other school officials!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rick too her to that rehearsal in the morning...they were telling them that they will need to dress "professional" and they rehearsed the pledge which she already knows by heart.
AND even yet, the MOST AMAZING is that she had a friend call here and they talked for almost 30 min!!!!! LOL...I mean, she's had a couple of school friends call here b4, to set up play dates and stuff. But this was a full blown conversation, haha. I was playing it off like no big deal, but was eavesdropping the whole time. I was cracking up, had to call D to tell him. She was like a little teen...asking her friend Gracie things like, "Does your MOm let you wear makeup?" and "What time is your bedtime on weekends?" ...talking about everything from school to movies and music. My baby is growing up. I was just happy to see she is making friends. Putting her in the drama club has helped her self esteem and she's met friends. She's kind of a little celeberty now in her class, after the play she said all the kids were asking her if she was nervous and telling her she did good!! Thanks to Mikey for helping me in the beginning when he would pick her up from practice while I was at work. :)
Ahh, speaking of Mike. We miss you!!! Hope everything is working out. Sorry to hear about Zuli's parents. It sux when things like that happen and you feel so helpless. All you can do is hang in there and keep doing what you're doing...school and work. COngrats on the new job Zuli!!! You guys are off to a great start. :)
I haven't talked to MOm since my last post. I'm going to call her this weekend, hopefully she got all my papers I sent her. I hope that even if she doesn't want to stay here permanently, she'll want to at least want to come 2 visit.
Well, off to bed. TGIF tomorrow....I'm tired. Nite nite.
So, good news is that we are still hangin in there. Work is going pretty good...they got rid of some peeps that needed to be gone. Much better environment!! HOme is good too. Things at D's job are picking up a little. He had a good last couple of weeks. Still going to treatment..3 mo and counting. Yesterday I came home to a clean house and a yummy dinner. It's so nice....his attitude, everything improved by 100%..I'm sooooo happy!!! :D
The girls were sick a couple of weeks ago, but they are back in business, lol. I'm exited about seeing Kayla's play on St. Patty's Day. She got to perform in front of the school last Friday and they are having one for the parents on TUesday!!! I'm buying a DVD, one for us and one for Grandma so the whole family can watch my girl in her first play. I'm so proud of her. Last week, I got a letter saying she was selected, out of only 20 kids in THE WHOLE entire school to represent them in an upcoming event where she and the kids will recite the school pledge in front of other school officials!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rick too her to that rehearsal in the morning...they were telling them that they will need to dress "professional" and they rehearsed the pledge which she already knows by heart.
AND even yet, the MOST AMAZING is that she had a friend call here and they talked for almost 30 min!!!!! LOL...I mean, she's had a couple of school friends call here b4, to set up play dates and stuff. But this was a full blown conversation, haha. I was playing it off like no big deal, but was eavesdropping the whole time. I was cracking up, had to call D to tell him. She was like a little teen...asking her friend Gracie things like, "Does your MOm let you wear makeup?" and "What time is your bedtime on weekends?" ...talking about everything from school to movies and music. My baby is growing up. I was just happy to see she is making friends. Putting her in the drama club has helped her self esteem and she's met friends. She's kind of a little celeberty now in her class, after the play she said all the kids were asking her if she was nervous and telling her she did good!! Thanks to Mikey for helping me in the beginning when he would pick her up from practice while I was at work. :)
Ahh, speaking of Mike. We miss you!!! Hope everything is working out. Sorry to hear about Zuli's parents. It sux when things like that happen and you feel so helpless. All you can do is hang in there and keep doing what you're doing...school and work. COngrats on the new job Zuli!!! You guys are off to a great start. :)
I haven't talked to MOm since my last post. I'm going to call her this weekend, hopefully she got all my papers I sent her. I hope that even if she doesn't want to stay here permanently, she'll want to at least want to come 2 visit.
Well, off to bed. TGIF tomorrow....I'm tired. Nite nite.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Disappointment
I was feeling a little defeated yesterday, after talking to Mom. Caro is right. I don't know what happened, but she was totally different than the last time I talked to her. Last time we spoke she was exited with the news of me sending her all the papers she needs to apply for the visa. This time, she barely even wanted to talk about it. But I called her because I had some more questions and to let her know that I was sending some money Caro gave me to help with the cost of the appt and trip to La Paz.
I didn't take me long to realize that something was wrong. First she asked me where was she going to stay. Saying that she doesn't want to be a burden on any of us. That she was hoping Dad would accept her and take her in. I basically told her, as I have many times before that Dad has moved on and to forget about him. Again, I explained to her our intentions. That all we want to do is see her, and would like to see her eventually restart her life again. In a cold tone and in Spanish she basically said, "What am I going to do there? Sit there all day like a decoration?" I was taken back by this...and hurt too. I kept trying to be positive, reminding her that she can get a job, and eventually get her own place, etc.
But she quickly started going off about Dad. Back to the past, blaming him for all the things that went wrong in their marriage, all the things he put her through...all I could do is sit there and listen. I didn't know what else to do. I knew she was venting. It's like it finally hit her, that things will not be the same as she left them. She's having a hard time dealing with it. The fact that he's moved on, and Mikey being gone too. I'm sure all these years, she's been hanging on to the thought of her coming back to her husband and son, not wanting to admit that she has missed so much of our lives. It's like she feels no sense of purpose anymore.
As much as I felt her pain, I felt my own too. In realizing my Mother will never be the person I want her to be. She will never be the independent, strong, positive woman I will look up to. She will never be my friend. The mom I have always longed for my whole life....the roles are always going to be reversed. I will always have to be the strong one, because that is the way I am expected to be. I will always be the one to take her of HER, because that is always that way it has been. She won't want to get better, ...because my mother has always lived in misery, and so much so....that it's all she knows, like its become a way of life for her.
Sometimes I imagine her smiling and laughing the way she sometimes would. This is the way I've remembered her all these years, trying to forget all those cruel moments she put us through. Maybe I've been kidding myself. Maybe I've been a fool in thinking we could work miracles. Selfishly, I've been wanting her back the way I WANT to remember her, and maybe not the way she really still is.
I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I've tried my best, and like always there is some kind of outer force fighting me every step of the way. I don't know what to do from here, I feel we all have done what we can. It has been so hard for us....our whole lives up until now. No one understands this. All the tears that have been shed.....including the ones I am shedding now...and for what? I just don't know. I am just so disappointed with everything...
I didn't take me long to realize that something was wrong. First she asked me where was she going to stay. Saying that she doesn't want to be a burden on any of us. That she was hoping Dad would accept her and take her in. I basically told her, as I have many times before that Dad has moved on and to forget about him. Again, I explained to her our intentions. That all we want to do is see her, and would like to see her eventually restart her life again. In a cold tone and in Spanish she basically said, "What am I going to do there? Sit there all day like a decoration?" I was taken back by this...and hurt too. I kept trying to be positive, reminding her that she can get a job, and eventually get her own place, etc.
But she quickly started going off about Dad. Back to the past, blaming him for all the things that went wrong in their marriage, all the things he put her through...all I could do is sit there and listen. I didn't know what else to do. I knew she was venting. It's like it finally hit her, that things will not be the same as she left them. She's having a hard time dealing with it. The fact that he's moved on, and Mikey being gone too. I'm sure all these years, she's been hanging on to the thought of her coming back to her husband and son, not wanting to admit that she has missed so much of our lives. It's like she feels no sense of purpose anymore.
As much as I felt her pain, I felt my own too. In realizing my Mother will never be the person I want her to be. She will never be the independent, strong, positive woman I will look up to. She will never be my friend. The mom I have always longed for my whole life....the roles are always going to be reversed. I will always have to be the strong one, because that is the way I am expected to be. I will always be the one to take her of HER, because that is always that way it has been. She won't want to get better, ...because my mother has always lived in misery, and so much so....that it's all she knows, like its become a way of life for her.
Sometimes I imagine her smiling and laughing the way she sometimes would. This is the way I've remembered her all these years, trying to forget all those cruel moments she put us through. Maybe I've been kidding myself. Maybe I've been a fool in thinking we could work miracles. Selfishly, I've been wanting her back the way I WANT to remember her, and maybe not the way she really still is.
I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I've tried my best, and like always there is some kind of outer force fighting me every step of the way. I don't know what to do from here, I feel we all have done what we can. It has been so hard for us....our whole lives up until now. No one understands this. All the tears that have been shed.....including the ones I am shedding now...and for what? I just don't know. I am just so disappointed with everything...
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